Posts tagged marriage
Posts tagged marriage
She saw him first
and then gave an ear to lend.
He told her that he was alone in his walk
And that all he needed was a friend.
That was the beginning
of several small lies.
Ones that he had told himself
Ones that he needed to simply survive.
No one understood him,
or so he had said.
Though she understood him.
Her attention gave food to his death and it fed.
A secret trip,
one will never know.
Though lies are always found out
Even though no one was ever told.
It bred life into a fantasy
For both of them and grew.
Though both claimed there was nothing romantically.
But then she outed him and then everyone knew.
More lies to base the future on.
For she’s thinking with her feelings, her heart
Failing to see that lies are a song
That pulls the heart apart.
“No one understands me, no one trusts me.”
Was what he had claimed.
And it really seemed he was alone, she could see
And then to her he remained.
Again.. another lie, little did she know
This isolation he lived
Was one created,
One that he owned.
“Exiled,” he cried
And she felt for him
Once again this proved that
She was his only true friend.
Choices were made,
Though he claims they were not his.
If she only knew what really made him cave.
Maybe a second thought she would give.
She thinks she is different
If only she could know
She is one of many
The deception can only grow.
She lives in a world
No one can envy her of.
Lies add up and break
What one thought was love
Are you riding on a crescendo? If there were a soundtrack to your life is it at the build up point as you move from point “A” to that really cool, end of the line point “B”? Do you spend everyday waiting; hoping and reaching for something that will mean you have made it? What are your goals?
I took a hard look at my life around me. I have walked through a majority of my days waiting for the next big moment. I am riding out the cymbal crashes, the build up of the music, in my own soundtrack of life and have found it disappointing; as I am never happy when I reach the side I thought I was living for. The depression that used to consume me stemmed from this very issue. There is always something more, something more unattainable and then a colossal let down when the moment finally arrived. That was when I realized the problem. I was living for the wrong moments.
I am so tired of living for the: When I grow up, I am going to.. When I lose weight, I am going to.. When Christmas is over, I going to.. When my divorce is final, I am going to.. When I am finished with college, I am going to.. Tomorrow, I am going to.. and there it was….
I decided I needed to look at today and ask, “What can I do today? (This may be my very last day waking up this side of the daisies, waking up with any one of my healthy children, in this house and the list goes on.) What can I do today to make my Savior proud and not have any regrets?”
This has changed my long term thinking to a shorter-term thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to school, I am still staying on a budget, cleaning my house and all the daily things that need to get accomplished. I am simply looking at every opportunity as if “THIS” was the big moment my whole life lead up to.
There are no guarantees as to what lay ahead. We all live with this sense of entitlement and are shattered when things did not go the way it should. We find little fulfillment when we finally DO reach that point “B” because we failed to look at the scenery during the trip.
What if you were told you only had 6 weeks to live? What would you say to those you love? What would you spend your time doing? Living everyday, submitted to God and what He gave you for TODAY has been awesome. The scenery around me is gorgeous. I am thankful for today. Matthew 6:34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Dear Pen and Piece of Paper,
Forgive me for not referring to your new alias, fingers and keyboard; nonetheless you still are the captor of my heart.
I have sat for three months, not allowing us to meet again. I was fearful of what I could truly reveal. Would it be the sordid details of my life that have gotten so far out of control? The details that I thought would simply kill me upon impact? Or would mending this broken bridge reveal the dark, infected blisters inside of my heart, the ones that feel beyond repair? For my in soul longs to be this woman of integrity but my heart has been crushed. In all the mad effort to mend it comes this fierce anger and rage that does not really aide in the healing. Instead of promoting health, the anger acts as an elixir to numb the heart from feeling no pain at all. Yes, I could sit angry all day long and appear to be fine. Being angry is so much easier than not, for when I am not angry I am actually dealing with the real heart of the matter – pun intended. The conflict again was that I could not just spew the venom as it raced through my veins. That would not be the portrait of the woman I long to be or the one that I feel God is calling me to be.
Now that you know what has kept me from you, you may be asking yourself why I chose today to finally try to reconnect with you. Does this mean I am no longer seething? No. The truth is, a piece of me ceases to exist when I neglect our relationship. Even though before I was scared to really expose what was there, I have been working hard at walking in truth and integrity. I am taking a hard look at all the anger that threatens to bitter me to the bone and to dig out the splinter from within. In doing that I believe that you, my friend, help me reconcile the gap in-between of the anger and what the truth underneath it is.
I plan to be in touch often. I do hope you’ll forgive me for the time I have let pass.
Ready to Live,
beneath a heavy carriage
obsessed with death
not birth nor marriage
the umbrella of grace
is wind blown, destroyed
are now fully employed
“finally,” a sigh
of relief escapes
yet there is no peace
to hold on and embrace
confusion and anger
the mechanics of self protect
explode to others
who love yet now neglect
the broken wheels peel
and crumble to shreds
the weight of decisions
have left the wagon dead